I just don't know what to do, and I don't know what is right. I have even thought of suicide because I feel trapped in this horrible body with this horrible face. What I look like is more important to others than who I am or what I have done. I like who I am as a person, but I no longer feel like I am separate from my body. I suppose what I want more than anything is advice. Even the good guys don't want to date an ugly girl. I am convinced that if my appearance does not change, no man will ever want to be with me. I feel that as a woman I should look a certain way, but that no matter what I do I will be big. It is consuming me, and I feel myself spiraling downwards. I have no respect for myself, and my self-hatred has caused me to be hateful towards other fat or ugly people. I feel like I am obsessed over my appearance, but it is because I am sick of seeing the man I love hooking up with all of these beautiful women while I just sit and wait and cry. Specifically, I want to get face, chin and neck liposuction so that I no longer have a fat/ugly face. While I am not wealthy, I am willing to go in debt over my looks. I also started scheduling consultations with plastic surgeons. I feel ashamed that I am so overweight, even though I am proportionate, and I feel like I am just insufficient when compared to other women in my age group. That and if I do eat, no matter what it is, I feel incredibly guilty and start to cry. I have been starving myself this week, and I have gotten to the point where I just don't feel hungry anymore at all. I have felt the same way about my appearance for a long time and while I am doing everything I can to lose weight, it just doesn't seem to work. Mainly, I am too fat, my hips are too big and my face is just not attractive. He told me that even though I have a good personality, I am not physically attractive enough for him to ever be with me. I do not have a pretty face, though I would not call it ugly. I weigh over 200 pounds, though I carry it well.
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